Reflection

It's taken me nearly two and a half years to really start sifting and sorting through the photos, journals and assorted memorabilia from Japan that I have had tucked away, in their proper place, until now. I say "until now" because it is only now that I have become removed enough from those memories to be in the frame of mind to organize and categorize and begin to make sense of what those three years meant to me.

I believe now that my decision to go to Japan, although I wasn't aware of it at the time, was a sort of self-imposed exile - a step away from the familiar and predicatable - that needed to be taken. The third year I spent there was beyond that - and not self-imposed - bordering on cruel yet necessary in a way I'm only beginning to understand. This seems to happen in cycles as a process of healing on the path to wholeness.

I've come to realize now that Christ was with me all along, through every trial and triumph and circumstance. I think of the cross on the hill in Murou ~ the one that no one said anything much about when I pointed it out. I would look at that figure every morning on my way to the school and during those lonely hours between classes or from the hospital bed in my school when I was literally falling apart. I don't think it is by accident that it was there - and I don't quite know why it was - and I may never know - but it was - - and it was not an accident nor an illusion.

I know there must be people who had similar experiences to mine.

I know of people who endured far worse - and those whose experience was without incident or concern. I wonder if it is because I am a Christian that my experiences unfolded as they did... I recently was told that many Christians were martyred, not so long ago, in a town near to where I lived. Why the fear? Why would the God that so few in Japan believe in pose such a threat to the point of mass murdering Christ followers?

I am not ashamed to say that the more I stood up in my faith, the more oppression I experienced - and the final months leading up to my departure from Japan - despite the kind words people would say and my obvious desire to stay - the one thing I sensed most clearly was "leave here!"

I can't explain it and don't feel I have to justify or defend myself to anyone.

That is how it was and it broke my heart because I gave of myself - and of Christ's love- purely and deeply to the people I met in Japan. And there are those who truly loved me while I was there - for me, those ones are obvious now and I hope they know who they are.

I wonder if that is exactly why I felt such opposition and resistance at times...

we humans often do not know what to do in the face of Christ, in the face of truth, unconditional love and mercy. I imagine it's fear that gets in the way of receiving it.

I imagine it's pride and ignorance that prevents the reciprocation of it.

How I wish to rise above all that and just simply love & be loved - here, now, forevermore.

As I enter into this new year, I count my blessings, I look ahead - leaving in God's capable and willing hands the hurts, successes and failures of this past year. Anticipation suspends me momentarily as I sense this is a time of waiting, acceptance, renewal and preparation for good things to come.